Navigating the Twenties : Decisions, Storms, and Finding Love

A blessing in disguise, one might say.

When right now I'm still standing on my own feet.

Of course, life takes an unexpected turn.

Especially when you stop hoping for the best and giving life a very cold shoulder a long time ago.

I stopped writing here for months and I feel like a soulless zombie taking over my body and doing life in autopilot mode.

Well, not like I have had anything like that before but still, doesn't matter how much caffeine I drank seems like my brain having a solid freeze and the Neptune god left me without any thoughts to write.

So eventually you start asking a lot of questions in your head.

And instead of writing it, this year, I try to jump into real-life action and try to figure out the answer on my own.

Let the past obstruction be left in the past.

Taking a lot of steps forward.

Set myself free.

Which is such a bittersweet feeling.

At one point in my life, realizing life is a series of small decisions you make every single day.

And that would accumulate in the future eventually and it could be life-changing decisions.

"Let's go on a trip," one friend asked.

"So, what about babies and the future?" Another friend added.

"What's the dream?" Another one asked.

"What's the plan this weekend?" Another text from another party animal.

Answering their questions usually feels like I'm gambling at the roulette table and waiting for the dice to decide my fate.

Odd numbers to a solid "fuck yes let's do it" answer without a second thought.

Even numbers to a doubtful "Oh fuck no, let's not do that again" answer with a straight horror face.

And just like a gambler, sometimes you regret your decisions in the morning and feel like you can do better with your life.

But always ended up in a full circle.

See the thing is, I thought being in your twenties is not giving a single flying shit about your life because you don't supposed to. Because you are young and live only once.

You can suddenly drive a mile away just because you feel like you wanted to see your favorite artist, being stupid and drunk, and yet manage to be back at your desk tomorrow with that corporate smile on your face.

Nobody told you the part where you also had to go through a literal storm and you have to pretend life isn't beating you to the ground.

Also, nobody told you you could survive the storm and believe in love again.

See, that is also another thing.

I thought love and me, we never really quite a good match.

Until love hit me with a goddamn reality check.

It hit me Hard.

Warm.

Scary and burnt.

It burnt to the point I think if they say love is just a combination of chemicals in your brain, right now I'm pretty sure my brain is fried.

If they say it is all just a combination of dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin, I think right now I'm pretty sure my brain is full on drugs.

Bestowing instant reason to bliss.